It's crazy how much change...

It's crazy how much change can happen in a year.

One year ago, I couldn't do a 45 minute workout without feeling incomplete. I wouldn't have been mentally satisfied with a 45 minute workout because I wouldn't have felt like I had done enough. Now, that's all I do. I compete a 45 minute workout that doesn't completely exhaust me, but rather brings me the "feel-good" endorphins I love, and gets my body moving.

I've also reduced the frequency of my workouts. I was a girl who struggled to take one rest day a week. I struggled to actually rest, so I would train freaking hard 6 days a week, and do an "active recovery" day once a week. This habit ensured my recovery was minimal, anxiety was high and irritability was sky rocketed.

Needless to say: oops.

Thankfully, I've learned just how valuable rest (like actual rest involving minimal activity) is. It's crucial, especially as we are in a pandemic with heightened stress, fears, anxiety and unforeseeable futures.

I've eaten chocolate every night for a year. I kid you not. Milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, truffle chocolate, caramel chocolate—you name it, and I've tried it. This, to the surprise of many, hasn't been out of a binge. No. It's been out of experimental binge eating reduction. In focusing on health, bodily needs, craving management, stomach issues, etc., I've been honouring my bodies hunger cues and signals by eating chocolate every-single-night.

Has it turned into a binge before? Yes, in the beginning stages of this new endeavour.

Do I sometimes eat more chocolate one night, instead of another? Absolutely. Some nights I eat more, some nights are less.

Am I honouring my bodies desires better? 100%.

I've gained weight, lost weight, suffered severe IBS and bunged a few times in trying to stabilize my body again. And I would be 10-on-10 lying if I said it were all sunshine and roses. Seriously, ask my sister who has listened to me cry in insecurity and frustration. But a worthy high and low, to say the least.

Years ago, I didn't know what eating for satisfaction truly was. I ate healthy meals for a long time because they were what was on my "meal plan". Then I did it out of fear of fat gain. And now, I continue to do it purely for enjoyment. I've never been one to crave a burger or chips. I've never been one to want to eat deep fried foods or heavy beers. But I have always been the one to want a thick ass milkshake and a bomb-ass slice of cake #wheremysweettoothfansat?

See, for me, eating wholesome food wasn't really the issue. The issue was not eating the entire cake while only eating "clean and safe" foods. I know that sounds weird, but let me explain.

I would only eat clean foods that were in my perceived safe food list. I would meticulously and religiously eat only these limited specific safe meals, only to binge every weekend with what seemed like no end in sight. I didn't know how to have a bite of the cake without eating everything around it, too. Contrarily, I would also only have a bite in restriction too, to only then want more and more which led to binging on "healthier alternatives" in the end. A vicious cycle to say the least.

So how can one change so much in a year?

From over training to overeating and restricting beyond despair, how did I do it?

I got uncomfortable as fuck. And to be honest, I'm still not comfortable in my skin.

I tried new things.

I don't make calories fit. I don't even try to count my calories. I've experimented with this time and time again and I have always done better (even if it means I've gained weight) but not counting calories. The mental weight of needing to "make macros fit" did more damage than good. You can't honour your bodies true signals by calculating every measurement. Sorry, but you can't. Calculating is forcing those measurements, instead of letting your brain and stomach guide you.

Yeah, your weight will likely fluctuate—but you will thank you, in the end.

I reduced my workouts to honour that my brain functions better (I make better decisions) with more rest. I move in the way I desire that day and don't follow programmes that bore me to tears. I honour how many rest days my body is asking for and don't judge, ridicule or ignore those needs. If it's one rest day-cool. If it's three rest days-also cool. I choose to be judgement free and honourable, at best.

I decided to eat chocolate every night to reduce my binges and increase my moderation. It was hard because at first, it created more and more cravings. However now, I'm quite content with a few squares of chocolate each night followed by a hot chocolate bevvy, and cuddle with my teddy.

I ate different foods to discover what I actually enjoy. Not a huge fish lover after all those years of tilapia, but gimme some prawns and it's game-over. To my surprise, I discovered that I reallllly enjoy meat alternatives and substitutes.

I gained weight, lost weight, and hurt a lot. This isn't easy—to say the least. I'm not overly comfortable with how I look and feel because I know my body is trying to find balance and trust in me again. It's been quite a rocky ride of ups and downs that I wish would sort themselves out faster—but this is my journey.

I beat up my body for years, literal years. So it only makes sense that it would need years to build trust in me again. Being impatient and trying to rush things won't work; so instead of getting frustrated and feeding those insecurities, I buy loose clothing and put on a smile knowing that it will all be okay soon. It's certainly not easy, but it's also not always hard.

Take the good with the bad sweetheart, and remember that you're a warrior everyday—not just some days.

I love you,

Xx

Dee