PCOS

In my opinion, the worst thing about PCOS is not recognizing yourself. End of story. However, that's my story, and saying that the associated weight gain is the worst part of it, is simply unfair. I always say "I just want to be a fun aunt!" and "I'm gonna be a great step-mom one day!" Both of which are gonna/be true, but that's partially because I am almost thirty and don't have a partner, and also because I have PCOS.

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PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) is a set of symptoms related to a hormonal imbalance that can affect women and girls of reproductive age.

PCOS may cause menstrual cycle changes, skin changes such as increased facial and body hair and acne, cysts in the ovaries, and infertility. Often, women with PCOS have problems with their metabolism and insulin resistance.

Complications of PCOS can include:

• Infertility

• Gestational diabetes or pregnancy-induced high blood pressure

• Miscarriage or premature birth

• Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis — a severe liver inflammation caused by fat accumulation in the liver

• Metabolic syndrome — a cluster of conditions including high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and abnormal cholesterol or triglyceride levels that significantly increase your risk of cardiovascular disease

• Type 2 diabetes or prediabetes

• Sleep apnea

• Depression, anxiety, and eating disorders

• Abnormal uterine bleeding

• Cancer of the uterine lining (endometrial cancer)

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Now back to my story.

In my opinion, the worst part of having PCOS is not recognizing myself through all the weight and body changes. I went from spending the vast majority of my life being quite athletic, fit, and dare I say, lean; to being roughly thirty+ lbs heavier, full of cellulite (which I have never had before), and A LOT of water retention. My face doesn't look like what I am used to seeing in the mirror, and I am constantly wearing oversized and baggy clothes to try and hide the shame within my body. A swollen and unfamiliar resemblance is all I have known for over a year, and a swollen/unfamiliar resemblance is what has taken my pride and confidence for that time, too.

For some women, being infertile is the worst part of their PCOS journey. Meanwhile, for me, it's. the weight gain. I haven't had a period (menstrual cycle) since 2013, so I kind of had already come to peace with the fact that the likelihood of me having a child is: slim-to-none. I also haven't been in a relationship since 2016 and well... there's that too. Being infertile wasn't really shocking to me, and I guess that's the part of it that I handled really well. But for others, it's that infertility that is absolutely groundbreaking, earthshattering, and completely disheartening for them. I mean...understandably so. Most people dream of having a family and being a parent, but I think I skipped out on all those thoughts and only ever had a few of them which were then laid to rest when the lack of my menstrual cycle became a thing. Really though, I will be a great fkn step-mommy (thanks in large part to my kickass bonus mom!).

In previous blogs, I said how good I was doing, finding peace in my body; which I was...until these past two-ish years. That previous "win" made being honest about this current discomfort really difficult. I felt like I was being a fraud for being open and honest about my current struggles with my health, my body, and my mindset changes. It made being vulnerable seem like I was lying, which I wasn't. But let's friken face it: this journey has NOT been easy. Actually, it has rightfully fkn sucked.

This past year especially (2021/2022) has really tested me. I hated the gym for a while, I felt (and still feel) really uncomfortable with how my body looks and feels, and to be quite frank - I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed of "what I let my body become" and ashamed of how I look overall. I am constantly exhausted, tired, weak, sore, and insecure, but I do my damn best at hiding it behind a smile and as much of a kick-ass workout I can muster up.

So I guess I am now owning it. See, I won't shame myself for this anymore. I can't continue to feel ashamed anymore, which is why I am now writing this and acknowledging this current phase. I won't (and I can't continue to) beat the shit out of myself day-in and day-out because of an illness I truthfully don't yet understand and don't know how to manage. It's unfair to constantly beat myself up over it. It's unfair to put so much pressure on myself. Speaking to doctors, trying different medications, and living the life of a guinea pig is shitty. It really is. It's awesome that I have access to these resources, but it doesn't make the journey any less painful. It still sucks.

This current phase of my life is still shit-but it's my shit. It's my journey, and it's my story that I will continue to share in hopes of making even just one person, feel understood and connected. It's my story to share in hopes of helping even just one person, not feel alone. It's my story to share because it's my journey.

So please, before you go out there and judge another person's weight changes (I've done it before too, I'm not innocent), their health, their reactions/actions, lifestyle, decisions, etc., remember that you have no idea what someone else is going through; and that maybe all they're doing, is the best they can do with the knowledge they have.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. xx Dee