I give way too much of a shit.

"You care a lot about what people think"

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I do. I care a lot about what others think.

I worry about how they may interpret what I say.

I worry about how I have made them feel.

I worry that I came off the wrong way.

I worry that I'm being negatively judged.

I worry that I'm being talked about in a negative light.

I worry that I'm doing things incorrectly.

I worry that I'm disappointing others.

I worry that my efforts aren't enough.

And honestly, I do. I care and I really worry about what other people think.

... but why?

I swear, sometimes I feel like I live for the validation of others.

Sometimes I feel like my entire livelihood, worth, etc., is based solely on how others view me—and to be honest, that's pathetic. My worth shouldn't be defined by the perception of another. It should be defined by my happiness and contentment in my attitude, efforts and being. But truth be told—its not.

I have lived my entire life trying to please others.

I would work extra hours, in attempt to please my employers.

I would clean extra well, in attempt to gain praise from my house-mates.

I would stay out extra late, in attempt to please my friends.

I would work extra jobs, in attempt to be glorified by my parents.

I would buy extravagent things, in attempt to gain recognition from the popular crowd.

I would party extra hard, in attempt to get the bartenders attention.

I would buy lavish gifts for friends, in attempt to be adored by them.

I would do all these things, in attempt to get some sort of validation from others.

I was caught in a vicious cycle

of recognition havoc:

1. doing something

2. hoping for recognition

3. not receiving it how I wanted to

4. feeling let down

5. trying again by acting in "recognition worthy" manor

...and here I am, giving way too much of a rats ass about what people think.

It's pathetic—and I will be the first to admit that. Im not proud that it shatters me to the core to see how the lack of recognition or praise from others affects me. I'm not proud of how minimal self-worth I have. I'm not proud of the fact that I wake up in deep depression bouts due to not feeling adequate enough. It hurts. It prevents me from living a super fulfilling life because I'm constantly wondering what others are thinking or saying about mw behind my backs. I'm terrified that I am letting people down. And the fucked up things is: I never used to give a shit what someone thought before. But now? Now I care so much what others think. Maybe its because I don't have many friends. Maybe it's because "I'm the toxic person in the room." Maybe its because I care a lot and I end up hurt in the end. I really don't know—and its really not important.

What is important is that I gain some fucking balls and start saying "fuck it" to all the thoughts that race through my head.

What is important is that I remember that I am more than worthy of living, breathing, acting and doing—regardless of how others perceive it.

What is important is that I am fucking trying. And what is even more important is that I am fucking proud of my efforts and care! That's what really matters and thats where self-worth belongs—in my own pride—not someone else's!!

So babe,

If you're feeling this, I'm right there with you.

Limiting beliefs, fears, and the desire to be well-liked or received by another may be high—but those things do not defy you. I want you to try to remember that if you're happy with your choices and decisions, then thats really all that matters. It really is.

Stay strong.

I love you.

xx

dee