Insecurities

My ribs stick out too much.

My stomach isn’t flat. I feel fat, and thick, and gross.

Where the did my obliques go?

Why does my stomach stick out so much in comparison to other girls?

My waist is huge.

I lost all my definition.

My core is so thick.

I’m built like a square.

My thighs rub together.

I have back fat … and back arm fat.

What happened to my arms?

Oh my oh my. The self imposed ridicule and torture.

We literally tear ourselves apart, every single day; and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I don’t have these detrimental and heartbreaking moments, too. We all have insecurities and we all have good and bad days. We all shame ourselves and our bodies, instead of honouring their worth and capabilities.

Lately, I’ve been a complete and utter asshole to myself. Yep, I said it. I’ve been speaking horribly to myself, and believing awful lies with minimal truths. You see, I’m built differently, and I have despised it my entire life. I wasn’t blessed with a small waist and voluptuous chest, nor was I blessed with an hourglass figure or the height of an average woman (where my 5.1 girls at?). But you see, I’m not the only one built differently—we are all built differently.

“Big bones are a myth”.

Is there any truth to this, or none whatsoever?

To be honest, I’ve always struggled with this one. You see, Im aware of how my ribs stick out and protrude over my chest line, and its been a lifelong confidence kick-in-the-d*ck. Those bones being shaped that way—thats beyond my control. I’ve shrunk my weight and body fat measurements before, and guess what? My ribs still stuck out unbearable amounts. It’s always made me feel super insecure because other females don’t have that weird bulge under their breasts—but I do. My stomach also holds fat in the lower abdomen. This means I have to flex realllllly freaking hard in order to see any definition in my upper abdominals. Oh, and my digestive issues? Yeah, well that’s also stored immediately in that lower tummy “pooch” area too, as well as my fat consumption. Bloat and gas? Add that in as well. It’s embarrassing and it’s honestly frustrating beyond belief. Why can’t my body just look and feel normal? What the hell works and what doesn’t? I’ve been so messed up (digestively) for so long now, that I no longer know what normal feels like. And to be honest, that freaking sucks …

Wow Daniella. Why don’t you just confess all your insecurities?

Well you see, I kind of am. And honestly, it will likely help you too.

Let me explain.

I’ve been in Australia for nearly one year. Thats one year of a pandemic, lockdown, restrictions, weather mayhem (cyclones and bushfires), digestive issues, minimal routine and a whole bunch of chaos. I’ve moved more times than I can count and have shared more bedrooms (yes, bedrooms—because that’s life while living in a hostel) for the better majority of my time here. My situation and body have changed because I have changed. The dynamics of my life have changed. Instead of having the gym, a car, financial freedom (a job) at my disposal, I now am vigorously trying to survive. I was focused on trying to make ends meet, keep my head above water and still work on my goals. I was trying to honour rest more, and overcome these crazy digestive issues (which have only gotten worse to be honest). I tried a variety of different jobs and locations in order to survive and honour the restrictions of the world right now. I was trying to just do my best, in the current state that we are in. It’s not easy; and it’s not easy for anyone right now.

I recognize I am in a different culture with different foods, situations and predicaments right now. I recognize the change, but instead of giving myself grace for all the efforts I’ve put forth throughout these troublesome times—what do I do?—right, I kick myself in the ass even more by making hefty catastrophic food choices, and paraphrasing with limiting beliefs. I beat myself up about how I look and start to use my biggest insecurities and negative commentary as a form of punishment, instead of praise for my hard work. I dismiss the good, and focus on the bad.

But that’s not true worth. That is not your deep-down values or beliefs. Those eliciting beliefs and insecurities aren’t anyones freaking worth. They’re a false pretence of garbage and nonsense.

We are worthy, no matter our size.

We are all unique and different. What you have, I may not—and vice versa.

We can’t all be one in-the-

same, and nor should we.

I work extensively, every day on calling myself out on this negative talk. In my opinion, it’s detrimental to do so. However yes, I still allow those voices to creep in from the dark every so often.

Is that something I want to admit? Not necessarily.

And is struggling with those demons something I am ashamed of? Absolutely not.

Sure, I would rather not have to fight the inner-bitch-in-my-head about the things she says about me; but I am also not ashamed to admit that it is just something I have to do. Validity and body image are an insecurity I have. I am not ashamed to admit that. But you better believe I certainly WOULD be ashamed if I didn’t go to war with it.

You can’t let this inner-bitch-in-your-head win. She’s honestly nothing but a miserable jerk. You’ve gotta defend yourself, every time she tries to speak. Because I promise, you are so much more valid and worthy than she has you believe.

Keep pushing, keep fighting, and keep validating your efforts, your internal cues, your listening and your patience. Validate your body, your curves, your flaws and your wrinkles. Validate, you—because you are the only you.

xx

Dee