I'm feeling off
- Aug 26, 2020
- 6 min read
I'm feel quite off lately.
Nothing is specifically wrong, or hurting me.
Nothing in particular has happened to make me feel inadequate, frustrated or angry. No one has passed away, been admitted to the hospital, broken my heart or abused me in any manor, recently. Nothing has directly happened.
... But I'm off.
So why am I so off?
Stress. Stress, stress, stress.
Let me start by currently explaining where I'm at right now.
I am about 7lbs (3-4kg) higher than what I was before I moved to Australia (I am a Canadian) in March 2020 right before Corona Virus, struck.
OHHHH yeah, we can all obviously agree that the stress has been HIGH - for all of us. We are in a global pandemic with 0 job security, limited financial growth and simple conveniences seeming to be downright impossible at the best of times. I reckon a vast majority of the population is struggling to pay bills, put food on the table and feel stable in some way or another, right now, and I am not immune to these stressful times, either.
Not to mention, it's winter in Australia. I know, you're probably thinking "boo hoo Daniella, it's still better than a Canadian winter, any day". Which yes, is definitely true. However, winter stressed me out! I am a girl that thrives in tropical climates with the humidity factor reaching worldwide breaking highs. I am a girl that thrives in sunshine, warm weather and sometimes-cooler nights. I don't thrive in cold, brisk mornings, short days, and big-ass jackets. I don't thrive in winter - no matter where I am in the world.
So just to re-iterate.
My "off" reasoning numbers 1, 2, 3
1. I gained weight.
Superficial? Yes. However sincerely and genuinely confidence impacting? Abso-fucking-lutely. I am already emotionally eating, but the food I eat doesn't even feel good for my soul. For a place that prides themselves on being "so healthy" - it's certainly some of the worst food I've ever attempted to digest. It's pumped full of chemicals and hormones out the bloody wazoo. I was (and am still) shocked. It's been a rough dietary transition that I am NOT adjusting well to.
2. It's a stressful time.
Covid, global pandemic, an entirely new move to a foreign fucking country, living in Hostels yet not being able to travel or solidity stable work? Yeah, shits freaking stressful. I don't really have a "home" to go to, let alone a job that makes me jump out of bed, or routine that I thrive off of. There is minimal security, and I am on a temporary working visa, which is only valid for 1 year. Yeah, student visas are the next option, or agricultural work - but do I even want that? Who knows. It's hard to filter through thoughts when you're brain is constantly on over-drive.
3. It's winter, it's cold and I'm sick of it.
I bloody-well despissseeee the cold. I left teh cold Canadian winter, only to come to Australia to a cold, Autralian winter (dumb as fuck, I know). This one - this weather shit, hurts me to my core. My energy levels are crap, my mood is shit, and my motivation is lil' to none. I keep thinking about the gorgeous summer I had a few years back in Ontario with my Auntie, cousins and bestfriend living in my favourite home in Niagara-On-The-Lake. I miss that summer, and I miss those days, laughs and times so much. That was one of my better years, mentally and spiritually, I'd say.
Now, here comes the next de-briefing.
4. I need love.
Not just romantic love. But allllll love.
I need a fucking hug, or a cuddle, or something every once in a while, too! Don't we all?
Truth be told: I am feeling genuinely, sincerely, lonely as fuck. I have been single for 4 years, and it's definitely starting to annoy me. #SorryNotSorry
Again, I don't just mean that I desire romantic love, I mean genuine love. Infectious love. Friendly love. Just fucking love.
I am finding it so hard to "love myself" through all these undesired changes, let alone, actually receive love from another.
It's a weird time, man. It's super hard to make friends when people (whom were already judgemental assholes) won't talk to you because they're scared of catching a virus - let alone, actually form a meaningful friendship or life-long bond. People whom were already terrified to let others in, certainly don't now that we can't even let our family members in our homes. It's actually ridiculous.
Like seriously...How much more of an impersonal world, can we begin to encounter?
I've been bouncing back and forth between Provinces, States and Countries for a while now. I was born in Ontario, moved to Vancouver, British Columbia, only to move back to Ontario before living abroad in Thailand for a 6 month stint. I then returned to Ontario before fleeing (yet, again) to Alberta, and British Columbia. Now, I'm in Australia. Let's not forget visiting Cuba, Mexico and California in the midst of it all, too. It's safe to say, it's hard for anyone to keep a close bond with someone who is always on the move.
But to be honest:
A) I've never felt at home, anywhere.
B) America makes it nearly impossible for Canadians to live there.
C) Did I mention that I fucking despisssse the cold? #SnowBird
5. I am doing work that I am not passionate about.
The work I am doing is what I thought was my dream job - only to feel completely disheartened and let down upon receiving it.
I really thought this was exactly what I wanted. I literally worked my ass off for months, traveling from different location to different location, grinding, picking up additional hours, and doing a shit-ton of dirty work - only to feel completely dis-heartened and disappointed.
So, I've been off.
I've been stressed, emotional, imbalanced and unmotivated by tons of factors. The pandemic, the weight gain, the lack of motivation for fitness and health, the living situations, the weather, the fact that I'm self-sabotaging by eating my emotions and not giving any effort in the gym, etc etc etc. I recognize that this is on me. I recognize my flaws, lack of efforts and sabotaging ways. I see it - I get it.
I get that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, when I need to find it within myself first. I see that shit, too babe.
Right now, I find it really challenging to love this heavier, bigger version of me. I find it challenging to trust my body, my soul, and my demeanor as I feel it's been letting me down (by gaining weight and not performing well) - but in reality, it's just protecting me.
I was asked what's missing in my life?
And I think I am what's missing.
I think the love I need to have for myself, is missing.
I think the work I am doing, isn't honouring where my heart and soul belong. I think the actions (and lack thereof) are what's missing. I think my bullshit excuses are making me live a mundane as fuck life - and I am missing out on a shit ton, more.
It's me.
I know in my core, that I was meant for more.
I was meant for more healing, more help, more health and more energy. I feel it. I feel it every fucking day, friend. But I am not honouring the intuitive cues I am receiving. I am not jumping on those epiphanies or energies, because I am stuck living in fear - especially die to these unprecedented times.
I think I know what big risk I want to take, but am too scared to take it.
... And to be honest, I don't think I am the only one.
It's totally normal to feel off, sometimes. But it's not okay to just sit there feeling off. You must take action and dig deep into the "why" behind those lower vibrational pulls.
For me:
I am missing a purpose. I am feeling off because I lack confidence in myself. I lack confidence in my body and how it functions. I am off because I long for love, affection, attention and genuine companionship. I am off because my housing situation feels unstable, and "dream job" has let me down. I am off because I can't even look in the mirror and feel worthy of this beautiful, beautiful life - due to the shame, sadness and guilt I experience from time to time.
You? You may be different.
Maybe you need a new job, new home, big move, change of gym or friendship group. Maybe you need to open the store you've always wanted, take flying lessons or go back to school. Maybe you need to dive into a course, face your fears and swim with the sharks. Maybe you need to sit in your own silence, be single or remove toxic people. Maybe you need something else...
Maybe you're unhappy in your current situation for a magnitude of reasons - and that's cool. But it's not cool to suffer. It's up to you, to find those reasons, and change them.
Please babe, be kind to yourself.
Remember you are worthy of love, and a life of joy and peace. Remember you are worthy of smiles, affection, attention, and a job you enjoy doing everyday. Remember that you deserve good hearted friends, and dinners on the town. You deserve the opportunity to get dressed up for a nice out, dancing, and you deserve the slippers and bathrobes from the spa that you've just rejuvenated in.
Babe, you're worthy - regardless of feeling "off" or "on".
xo
dee
Comments