Dear Body
- Jul 11, 2020
- 8 min read
Dear body,
I'm a fucking asshole to you.
Now, before I start ... let's clarify something.
You may be wondering why I'm about to confess a bunch of crap on the internet, versus a private, hand-written journal. And truthfully, I would be lying if I didn't fear the fact that I will be hitting "publish", at the end of this. However, I've said in previous blogs that "authenticity is my superpower", and I will not quit that, now.
Truth is: I know there are people (women, especially), whom will resonate with this; and that is enough of a reason to hit that fancy, little "publish" button, for me.
So here we go. Time to write and read some internet confessions, continuing on my authentic path.
Dear blog, I am about to confess some gnarly truths.
Please accept my words with grace and peace.
Dear body, I am a fucking asshole to you.
...
I pump you full of artificial sweetener, diet sodas and often times - too much food in general.
I often eat beyond satiety, yet starve you other times.
I don't acknowledge my internal hunger cues, as I am still struggling to recognize them.
Sometimes, I scoff down way too much processed shit, while other times, I force you to survive on carrots and cucumber.
Hot chocolate quickly went from 1, to 4 a night - resulting in bloat and disgust ... every-fucking-time.
I get pissed off at you when you don't perform in the gym, and even more hostile when an injury occurs.
I don't listen to you when you scream for rest, and constantly try to push the boundaries of exercise, regardless of my exhaustion.
I let my fears hold me back, and my playfulness shy-away in the background.
Sometimes, I sleep too little, and other times, I sleep too much.
I beat you up, make fun of you, name-call and shame you, because you've gained weight.
I fight the internal belief and knowledge that weight gain is perfectly normal, necessary and not an "unhealthy" thing to do.
I only celebrate the win of decreasing numerical scale statistics (losing weight) or the slight sight of an ab er' two..
I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as it normally results in name-calling, due to shame and guilt.
I privately scream at you when I see puffier cheeks, thighs and arms in my photos or phone reflection.
I shame you for the jiggles that I feel as I walk now, and struggle trying to find the beauty in them.
I beat you up as I try to workout and keep up with a routine, even though you've been telling me for weeks to stay-the-eff-out-of-the-gym.
Dear body, Yes.
I'm an unbelievable fucking asshole to you.
You've told me to rest.
You've told me that I need to gain weight right now.
You've told me I need to recover.
You've told me I need to thrive in other areas of my life.
You've suggested taking up different fitness routines.
You've poked interest in some vegan-friendly foods.
You've been giving me signals and cues, that I've ignored.
You've been trying to balance yourself out, and I have been stubborn as fuck, the entire time.
I have been choosing not to listen to you, I really have.
... and honestly, it is only making things dramatically more difficult for me.
Ultimately, I despise my current physique, habits and negative self-talk.
Some days I am great, feeling like a complete 10/10. But other days, I'm not.
And more often than not lately, I'm not "feeling myself".
I am self-sabotaging myself.
Balance was something I was subconsciously asking for - yet now am shunning from.
I wanted a more feminine physique, and I wanted a life of less intensity and more love. Yet here I am, trying to reflect it and push it away; now that it is actually happening.
Have you ever wished for something, only to push it away when the world finally started giving it to you?
Yep, thats me right now.
I have been diligently trying to accept my new "curvier" body, as it is where I live. However, that is fucking challenging beyond belief.
I was used to having certain muscles show, certain clothes fit, and I was used to my face not looking swollen - all the fucking time.
I was used to getting complimented for my worth ethic, physique and energy in the gym - and now, none of that exists anymore.
I don't carry that same physique, nor do I currently carry that same spark for weightlifting and fitness.
Don't get me wrong - it's there, but no where near, where it once was.
However, I know this is just a part of the process...
My sanctuary of the gym has recently become my enemy, as I no longer really and truly look forward to working out. This is due to many things and it happens to many people, for multiple reasons.
For me, the largest factor is my lingering fkn back injury.
My energy levels are very low (like, I am not a napper - but I've been needing countless naps lately) due to the pain and fatigue throughout my body. #ThanksInjury
&&&& WHAT'S REALLY ANNOYING IS...
I dislike how I look, yet I can't seem to find the confidence or motivation to show up to the gym and put in work.
Is it just me? Am I alone here..or what? Has this happened to you?
Again, it's a part of the process.
Intuitively, my body needs rest, as it is trying to restore its-self internally.
Yet, here I am - trying to control alllllll the external factors. Yep. Here I am, trying to control how it looks - while failing, miserably.
A calorie Deficit is the only way to lose weight - yes.
But this is also most commonly said by males, not females.
Seriously, what about the hormonal factors that suddenly play up, making that a lot more challenging and difficult?
Those factors play a huge role in weight-loss, mindset, energy levels and livelihood.
I do believe that a Calorie Deficit is the only way to lose weight - to an extent.
I am dealing with a lot of hormonal, mental and physical changes, all that are unfortunately, a bit beyond my control.
The body will do, what the body wants to do, regardless of what you think it should be doing. This is why I believe that things are only in your control, so much.
The body will stop you - when it decides it needs rest.
The body will push beyond measures - when it needs to.
Your body is smarter than you - and if it needs something, it isn't afraid to take charge.
Therefore, sometimes, especially for females - weight loss can be halted, as our hormones need some extra tender love and care (TLC).
IN MY OPINION: If your hormones aren't performing optimally, no fucking calorie deficit will work.
And I state very clearly here, that this is IN MY OPINION, because I personally am dealing with this, now - and have been for some time.
Your output isn't the same when your hormones aren't balanced. Nor is your body capable of accepting your output, intake etc, if your hormones are out-of-whack.
Your energy levels aren't the same when your body is "off" and your performance isn't optimal when you're injured. Although it fucking sucks - it's just the truth of life.
Things fizzle out when they aren't in harmony.
Relationships, health, goals, aspirations, dreams, careers - everything.
Things - all things - fizzle out if they aren't complimenting one each other any longer.
And that goes for your body. If the way you are eating and training is not complimenting your hormones, then the relationship won't work.
Same with diet and exercise in general. If you are training like a beast, but eating like shit - the relationship will fail, too.
If you care more than your partner, than the relationship wont work. End of story.
Ya feel me?
SO...
My body is currently being an asshole, to me
...or is it?
It's changing in ways that I don't want it to, and it's making me uncomfortable as fuck. That is indefinitely, true.
However, does that mean my body is failing me?
Does that mean my body is being an asshole, to me?
...
Not necessarily.
Often times, when our bodies go through unprecedented changes, it's because it needs to do so - in order to thrive.
Survival is its only concern - regardless of your intentions to lose a few pounds, or gain a but of muscle, strength or size.
So, when we get uncomfortable and things change.
1. Are our bodies being assholes to us?
or
2. Is our constant need of control actually making us react like an asshole, to our body?
Although I want to say my body is being an asshole to me, with all these fucking mental, physical, and hormonal changes, leaving me lethargic, weak, unmotivated and honestly - angry ... its really not being an asshole to me.
My shitty reactions - are being an asshole to it.
Yep. I am being an asshole to it, by not accepting the many changes my body requires in order to progress me to the best version of myself.
I am being an asshole to it, by pumping it full of chemicals, sweeteners, dietary restrictions of food/food choices/food timing (trying to find what works for me), often resulting in wayyyyyy too much food.
These are the things you need to sit back, question yourself on, and acknowledge.
Is your body really being an asshole, or are you being an asshole to your body?
Let me tell you something: I am certainly being an asshole to my body.
Time to check myself...
by being a bit kinder to myself, more forgiving and more intuitive.
My body has been speaking loud and clear - for years, to be honest. However, I haven't been accepting of those signals all along the way. I have tried to be, but I always fought them due to fear of weight-gain, fat, being made fun of, not being loved or not attaining my certain physique I had known to love and embody. Instead, I've been fighting them - and I still am.
I find myself challenging the balance my body is trying to create, by fighting it with different ideas, or "fixes". I find myself challenging my body by trying to accept myself through these changes - yet struggling to do so. I really am at a 50/50 battle with myself, at all times. Its hard as fuck.
Because the truth is: There is no "fixing" it. There is no control that I can take right now to make sure I don't gain weight. My body has clearly stated that, numerous times. There is nothing I can do to control this weight gain, inflammation, lethargic pains, injuries and fluctuations I am currently experiencing. This is what obviously needs to happen right now - because if it didn't, it wouldn't be happening. (Hippie Dippie of me - yeah, yeah, yeah).
Why? Because I am in a different stage of my life. I am in a different chapter, with different goals, visions, and necessities for me to survive.
Why? Because my body is in control now, and it knows what it needs to do - regardless of my conceptions of what that should be.
I need to finally accept that 6 years of being extremely lean, has caught up to me in multiple ways.
It is clear that my body does not want to be extremely lean right now. The fatigue, exhaustion, pain, injury, mental dialogue, cravings, fluctuations, and lack of motivation are all screaming factors kindly telling me to fucking reeeeeelax.
I obviously need additional rest - so I will take it.
It is telling me that I need to lay off the gym and stop beating myself up about my performance being less than at-par. It has decreased my motivation and energy levels, reducing my intensity and frequency.
I need to listen to myself, my body, and my intuition.
I need to embrace the changes that my internal self is asking for.
And if that makes me a hippie-dippie - so be it.
I just want to be fucking happy. And although I am not happy or confident in my current state of weight gain and fatigue, I'm equally not as happy trying to push past those things, either.
Beating myself up makes me miserable, so why the fuck am I doing it?
Exactly. Who. Fucking. Knows.
Instead, I'll rest and be patient through these unsolicited changes, embracing the new life that is taking form.
So, if you take anything from this confession of assholism.
Take this: listen to your more intuitive self.
Be kinder, and thrive baby.
xo,
dee
Comments