sexfession
- Jul 4, 2020
- 7 min read
I am learning to love my body again.
For a very long time, I only felt confident with a shredded, yet admittedly unattainable physique.
If I weren't at an extreme low body fat percentage, with visible veins throughout my body, washboard abs or defined legs - I wasn't happy.
I held a very low body fat percentage for the better majority of the past 4-6 years; which was freaking sweet...aesthetically. My shredded physique got me some external attention I had longed for, and promotional work within the fitness industry. However, that's not to say it didn't have its consequences.
I haven't openly discussed it much, but I am feeling more aware and able to address the issue, now.
Being lean takes your sex drive.. There I said it. It ruins your sex drive, your passion for life and essentially a lot of the beauty of life. It really fucking does. And as someone who was never one to have one-night-stands, meaningless sex or have multiple sexual partners - it takes your sex drive in a far more extreme manor. Not to mention, like many other athletes, I lost my menstrual cycle. However, I lost my menstrual cycle in January, 2013 which was an extended period of time with differing, far more extreme health complications.
Being lean, fixated on fitness while obtaining to harsh dietary restraints, changes you both physically and mentally.
OCD regarding fitness and health can be detrimental to your wellbeing. Your sex drive, your confidence, your energy levels and your desire to meet new people can all suffer. Not to mention normal living tasks of attaining a job, having regular cycles, experiencing hunger-cues, climate changes and balance become difficult to manage. Fitness extremes can make you far more irritable and less carefree. It changes people on a much deeper level, making feelings of inadequate, guilt and disgust quite common.
I competed over 6 years ago, and I've been single for over 4 years. Crazy, right?
My sex drive vanished, and my relationships failed.
My energy levels were shit and I was more worried about my fitness regime than I was worried about having a relationship, of any kind.
Friends faded away and my heart was broken. I was cheated on multiple times and being "a failure as a girlfriend", still haunts me to this day.
It was fu*ked because although I was hurting, I felt the need to continue down the path I was on. The path of restriction, hesitation, guilt, and bollox methods, felt safer and more secure, than finally being free from the extremes.
Being lean meant more to me than pleasing my partner. And after all the hurt I had experienced, being lean began to mean more to me, than actually having a partner.
I figured, if I was going to be single or be "a failure as a girlfriend" forever, I was at least going to look good while doing it.
I am 27 years old and I spent the better part of my 20's single, fixated on the physical attributes - versus mental ones.
I am 27 years old, and although I don't fear death.. I do fear dying alone.
Seriously...
I'll jump out of a plane, take risky turns, bungee jump, travel etc, but I don't want to die alone.
I don't fear falling off of a rollercoaster or being eaten to death by sharks... but I do fear dying alone.
I will take the risks throughout life, but never finding true love - that scares the poop out of me. Never experiencing the feeling of "having a family"... I fear.
So in hindsight, I openly admit that I fear dying alone.
So now to get to the point of this confession and story...
At 27 years old, I was forced to make a change.
I moved from Canada to Australia in the beginning of March (2 weeks before the Covid19 pandemic). I was forced to workout less frequently and with less intensity, as gyms closed world wide, and my access to to fitness equipment, was minimal.
***A wonderful neighbour did allow me to borrow 2 sets of dumbells, after she shrieked in pure concern when she saw me squatting a propane tank HAHA!***
Needless to say, the pandemic hit, my motivation went to sh*t. My workouts sucked and my routine was completely off and I started emotionally eating out of boredom, guilt, pain, boredom and oh, more boredom.
I ate more of previous "fear foods" and less restrictively, as the shelves began to empty, and food choices were different. I was travelling, making sticking to a "diet", rather difficult. Cuisines of Australia tantalized my taste buds, and Australian home-cooked meals were offered and rarely declined.
My lifestyle, routine, and desires changed in the blink of an eye... As did my physique.
...
Being distracted at work all day was no longer an available option, making trips to the fridge - very frequent. Planning, portioning and rationing my meals became a foreign language.
Truthfully, my desire to actually give a rats rear end, was minimal.
On days where I tried to be more mindful and careful of my choices, I ended up overeating. I didn't feel I was being true to myself any longer by portioning, counting and obsessing.
Overtime, I started being more intuitive, and less obsessive. I started caring less and feeling more. I started to really listen to my body - allowing myself to feel the feelings I was experiencing, and just seeing how I would physically and mentally change with less restrictions.
I equally, no longer weigh myself. I got really uncomfortable being uncomfortable. I was (and still am) uncomfortable in my skin, as my body changed and my clothes fit tighter.
However, intuitively, I know better. Intuitively, I couldn't restrict any longer. It felt too forced, and I felt that remaining hopeful in regards to my body "balancing out" - was the highest importance, and my only option.
I am now heavier, and carrying a different physique and mindset.
You see, your body is smarter than you; and when it decides enough is enough - well then, enough is enough!
My body was rebelling against these past extreme methods, dietary restraints and physical unlike I had ever experienced. It genuinely needed less. A lot less; and thankfully with Covid - it got less.
Less extremes. Less fitness. Less restrictions. Less activity. Less emotional abuse.
I had to allow my body to what it needed to do, and I had to stop trying to force my body to change when it clearly didn't want to.
Now, I am learning to embrace wider hips, thicker legs, a less defined stomach and a more lively way of living. I am feeling my body, mind, and energy restore itself - and I am feeling different about my own internal needs and desires.
I look in the mirror and actually giggle, because I see the changes and similarities of myself and my sisters bodies, now. I can see the things that people said I lost when I got heavily into fitness.
Losing "my feminine curves"
(said by an old coworker), is one of the vivid, more impactful statements in regards to the body parts that changed throughout my fitness career.
It's astonishing. I went from literally having no "outer thigh fat" in the peak of my fitness journey, to actually having some, again. And although it's been a challenge to embrace my changing physique, I am finding peace in the new body I carry.
I truly actually give thanks to having a big more "curve" now, as I always felt so insecure about my "boxy" / "athletic" and "shapeless" frame when I was extensively lean.
I feel like I'm starting to look more like the other beautiful women around me, that I always admired and cherished. You know, those women who strut confidently in any outfit they wear, as they have minimal body issues and a heart of a warrior?
Yeah, I freaking love those women!
I am more comfortable accepting and recognizing how my body is changing, embracing its new "womanly" features.
**A fitness Instagrammer posted about how "guys don't like girls that are too lean, and girls don't like guys who are too lean"; which I can absolutely understand, appreciate and agree with**
However, in the height of my lean-physique - you couldn't dare talk me into believing that "less shredded was better". However, do I love the look of a shredded male and fancy a date with him because he's super lean? Nope. I actually feel inferior and inadequate to shredded populants, as I no longer have those same desires and passions (nor discipline - let's be real haha).
It's funny when things you used to pray for or beg for, actually come to fruition.
It's so strange to me, because I used to crave balance, having curves and still being lean while obtaining a less extreme routine; yet tried to run from it when life (Covid19) came knocking with other ideas.
Simple things like having a bit more junk-in-the-trunk, or brighter skin, healthier hair or thicker nails are starting to flourish.
I finally felt hot (like physically hot) for the first time, in what felt like a lifetime; because when you're very lean, you constantly feel cold. Hormonally, this is a proven sign that hormones may be (finallllllly) starting to balance out.
Although this is a life long journey (especially because I really haven't been kind to my body in these past years), I am truly the most hopeful I've ever been in my entire life that things will balance out, and I will ultimately "be okay".
I believe that the stars have aligned this way, in order to finally stop me from controlling or trying to control the outcome.
I believe that the stars have aligned this way, because my manifestations of having a healthy relationship with not only myself, but someone else, may materialize.
I believe that the stars have aligned this way, to end the internal suffering I had been experiencing for so many years, prior - giving me a more fruitful life.
I believe that the stars have aligned this way for a purpose, because I have no other proof stating otherwise.
I believe, that everything will both balance, and work out - for my highest good
If you take anything from this confession, take this.
Your body doesn't equate to your worth.
If your sex drive and love for life is gone - something is wrong.
If something no longer feels right - don't entertain those old patterns any longer.
You are so much more worthy than what you give yourself credit for. And it's certainly time to take a stand against those limiting behaviours.
Cheers, to taking your life back.
xx
dee
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