What did you learn?
- Jun 16, 2020
- 5 min read
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Covid was powerful.
What did it teach you?
Covid19 gave everyone a ripe butt-whoppin', if I must say so myself.
It was painful, extreme, quick and ran rampage for a lot of us.
Most people are complaining, whining and whinging about Covid19.
We hear it all from "I can't go to the gym", to "when will life return to normal?", and obviously the "I lost my job", one. Yeah, Covid shook some things up, changed our routines, made basic travel inaccessible and homeschooling, the new "norm". Toilet paper was non-existent in grocery stores, plastic screens were installed at all major check-out lines and hugging your friend was basically a sin. Let's not forget that our favourite $1 sanitizer turned into a whopping $12 dollars, and sold out on Amazon about a kajillion times.
Covid19 sucked.
We get it.
Everyone can see how this pandemic has negatively impacted us, with the news constantly reminding us. However, have you thought about how about how it's positively impacted us?
I didn't realize how much I was still hurting, avoiding and neglecting before Covid19.
Let's think back for a moment (If you don't know, allow me to recap). Yes, I suffered an Eating Disorder from when I was a fitness competitor.
Yes, it lasted an extremely long time after that era, too.
Yes, I used to workout to burn off the extra food, I had binged on.
Yes, I used fitness as a punishment.
Yes, I was an extremists.
But I was working on it, I was changing it, and I had really made a ton of progress before Covid19 ever hit, in regards to my extremists methods. I had reduced my workout intensity, frequency and "need". I no longer worked-out to make up for the food I ate, or used fitness as a punishment. I really had already come such a long way! I thought I was ready to take on full mentorship and full ownership of my past. However, Covid19 came and changed that.
I overate throughout Covid19.
I binged, had crazy mindles eating moments, fell into a lot of picking and combated it all with extremely heightened emotional eating.
I am currently (its June, 2020 - still in the Covid19 midst), travelling. I came to Australia from Canada exactly 2 weeks before the pandemic struck. Throughout Covid, I not only had the job loss, instability to worry about; but I also had being abroad worries. Hostels, hotels, flights, jobs, food, nutrition, health, fitness, etc were all things I HAD to worry about. It was a cluster-fu*k. The speed of world -wide changes, crushed me internally. I used food as a coping mechanism to deal with the stress. I used food to get me through unsettling times. I used food to distract myself from what was happening in the world. I used food to deal with, me.
Whats cool about this, is because I had already stopped my habitual "overtrain" habit, I didn't even try to over-exercise in order to "make up for what I ate". Instead, I worked out when I felt like it, and didn't, when I didn't want to. Its crazy to me how far I had come workout wise. Before, I would have lost my sh*t if I couldn't hit the gym; and now - I had no option because they were all closed. LITERALLY, WORLD WIDE - DONE.
Gyms being closed, made dealing with my mindless, over-induldging a lot easier to handle, as I didn't have the same coping mechanism #Winning.
So that was pretty sweet.
What wasn't sweet, was the weight gain.
I gained a shit-ton of weight throughout Covid19, because of those eating habits and poor coping mechanisms. I get that, it was completely my fault. I handled my stress the best way I knew how to handle it - with food. Needless to say, I then felt super insecure, fat, ugly, and ashamed. I was disgusted by my new body - making learning to love myself at any weight, my unknowingly, only new goal.
I had to learn to love myself when I was lean with comfort, grounding, gym availability and food at my convenience, as well as love myself at a heavier, less motivated weight. And let me tell you something - IT FKN SUCKED. And to be honest, I don't think I am fully at the "love myself at any weight" stage... (but I am a lot farther than I was).
Covid19 showed me that I wasn't healed, nor fully accepting of a heavier body. In the beginning stages of Covid, I shunned myself. I hid in baggy clothing, walked with my head down and tried to cover my insecurities by making minimal connections. I felt ugly, and I didn't let my personality shine.
But then, something happened. I changed it. I got fired multiple times, I got turned down from basically everything I applied to, and I felt like a complete failure. Somehow (I literally have no idea how), it changed me. I ended up having to find new places to live, new places to stay and new faces to mingle with. I had no one to talk to, and I had to force myself to put my positive pants on, and walk the walk!
Guess what happened...
I SOARED!
I really did. I completely transformed my internal dialogue. I stopped wearing only baggy clothes, and I started walking around with confidence. I started lifting my head, and smiling at everyone for no reason. I forced myself to go out of my way to talk to people, and I forced myself to bring my pushed back, extroverted energy, out!
It was amazing, and I now, am enjoying all that Covid19 is. I finally freed myself from feeling ashamed because of how I looked, and started feeling proud for the person that I know I am.
Covid was a game changer for me.
It taught me that I wasn't healed, and that I needed to learn to love all the sizes that I will be, and have been.
It taught me that my personality is king, and that my best foot forward, is the one with the smile.
It reminded me that everything works out, and everything has a purpose.
It nudged me in the right directions, pushed away what wasn't working for me, and brought me back into my body.
It allowed me to feel the difference between striving and thriving.
It made me feel whole, regardless of my body.
Covid19 taught me that in order to be loved, I must love myself first, especially when it's hard.
For years...
I wanted to be more balanced, and now, I am finally becoming and embodying that...thank heavens!
Covid19 changed me for the better, and it taught me that I needed to step back, have my "outlets" and "coping mechanisms" taken from me, in order to fully heal.
Thank you Covid19, you really effed some shit up, in a very beneficial way.
xx
dee
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