(Not-So) Extreme Covid19

I was that girl.

I was angry, tunnel visioned and combative.

I took no ones advice, and brushed off excuses.

I was that girl who had to perform better than everyone else, in every thing I did.

I was the girl who had to hit a new Personal Record (PR) in the weight room, every single week.

I was the girl who needed all eyes on her when she was lifting weights - loving the attention of being "a beast".

I was the girl who had to spend at least 1+hours lifting heavy weight, every single day. I was the girl who had to be the most "jacked", "shredded" and noticeable, in the rrom.

I was the girl who had to be the most disciplined and dedicated.

I was the girl who cried when a gym session was missed. I got angry when my performance wasn't at par and binged every single week in privacy, tears, shame and guilt - because I was over-working and under-eating.

I was her. I was that girl.

I under-ate, and out performed everyone. And if I didn't - you better believe I tried my damn best, to do so.

Looking back on it now, I trained for attention.

I studied the way the brain works, in Social Work and Psychology at school, but never really had that "AHA" moment in this regard, until now.

I've had AHA moments about other things, but not the attention-seeking-training breakdown, like this.

I never felt good enough, valued, or noticed. I felt as though I had always fallen into the back-burner, never getting recognition or praise. This stems from childhood, all the way into adulthood.

I have never openly admitted this before, because I never understood it until this Covid19 Pandemic.

I did (and still do) things for attention. I did things for praise, and acknowledgement - especially training.

Im an "Acts of Service" kind of person. It is how I both give, and receive love. If you can buy me all the gifts in the world, but they won't mean shit all to me, if you couldn't simply hang the laundry without being asked. You know what I'm saying?

Well, equally how I receive love (through Acts of Service), is how I give love. I love being of service to others, making me an ideal employee, since I take initiative and just get shit done. LOL.

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Looking back now, I notice this trend with everything I've done throughout my life.

I love helping others, and making them feel good. I do believe my purpose was to help, guide and give love freely. I do believe my purpose is about supporting and pleasing others - making their eyes light up, or lives easier.

However, my training wasn't for the attention of being a support system to someone. It was about getting attention for my lack of self-worth. And that is a big fucking difference.

1. Assists others, seeking attention and validation for being of service. (selfless)

2. Is an extremists, seeking attention and validation for being better than others. (selfish)

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You see, for years, I do (NOW) truly believe that I was the extremist because I was training, lifting, working out, and competing for others. Sure, obviously I had also really fallen in love with many aspects of fitness and health. However, if we're being honest with one another, I also disliked a lot of it. I feel as though that extremist version of me, was purely for the praise I had deeply desired as a child.

Truth be told:

I disliked the anxiety missing a workout, gave me.

I disliked the guilt and shame I felt when I would perform "like shit" in the gym.

I disliked the scarcity and secrecy of my Eating Disorder.

I disliked the belief that I had to "Work off" the additional food I had just binged on.

I disliked the anger it gave me, when I felt I wasn't at my peak.

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Fast forward to Covid19, when life changed for everyone.

I couldn't train for attention. I couldn't do the same things I had done before, for validation. However, I was assisting with childcare and giving a great service of Nanny Responsibilities to a family. And that brought me so much joy. #ActsOfService

It brought me joy.

Giving the family the service they needed, and support they required throughout this pandemic, filled my cup. It brought me joy, just like the attention from training used to bring me.

I learned throughout this pandemic, that training needs to be something you enjoy. Yes, there will be resistance when training - especially at the beginning. (I mean seriously, not even extremists want to train every single day).

You need to find the discipline to get your butt into the fitness routine, However, you need to also have the discipline to listen to your body, and find things you genuinely like to do, too.

This pandemic taught me that lifting heavy weights is something I do genuinely enjoy. However, I also don't wan't weightlifting to be the only form of "fitness" I partake in. There are so many versions of fitness and athletics. There are so many different styles of training, and ways to remain active - and honestly, its glorious!

I've discovered that a nice long walk, or a hike, as well as 1-2 weightlifting days and maybe a bodyweight workout session here or there, are what I actually enjoy. I enjoy listening to my body, and allowing it to guide me with the movement I choose to do, that day. The extremist version of me, killing myself with literal blood, sweat and tears - is gone. And now, I've fully grown and flourished into the intuitive individual I am, today... Which is so weird for me to actually admit.

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So. The real difference is:

I am no longer working out for others. I workout and stay active in ways that I genuinely enjoy and find balance and harmony in. I no longer feel the intense need to be an extremists, and now embrace the free flowing movements my body is capable of making. Although my body may be "softer", so is my mindset - and I truly love the soft, kindness, that my mindset has embodied.

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Funny isn't it? How we can really understand our needs when we step back...

xx

Dee