I won't be loved if...

I have an irrational fear of never finding love.

Why?

Because I don't look like you.

Why?

Because I'm not her.

Why?

Because I can't even love my fucking self.

---

Does this sound like you?

I weigh more now, than I did before ... No one will love me.

I don't look the way I once did ... No one will love me.

I am thicker than I was before ... No one will love me.

I was single when I was thin, theres no way I will be loved now that I'm not.

I used to get complimented when I was thin and I don't anymore. I got more attention before ... and now, I don't get any.

I obviously don't love myself, so why would anyone else love me?

It's true.

You can't love someone else, until you learn to love yourself.

Sometimes, I think I'm doing really well - learning this whole "love yourself" shit. And other times, I hit rock bottom, and absolutely look at myself with complete disgust, disappointment and hate.

---

How the actual fuck, can anyone love me?

That's the thing. They can't. I can't.

I can't be loved, if I constantly pick myself apart, and compare myself to whom I was before.

Truth is:

It's hard to let go of that girl. It's hard to let go of who I used to be. My goals, lifestyle, habits, thoughts, morals, and values have changed. To the core, my morals and values remain quite familiar - but have more emphasis on balance, and less emphasis on being the best.

All in all - it still fucking sucks.

---

Here I am, picking myself apart.

Tearing, judging, and poking at every flaw I have. I don't find myself "cute". No, in fact, I find a lot of me in need of some changes and enhancements.

Self love isn't about faking it. It's about learning to live with the things you were given. It's about acceptance, not hate or striving for perfection.

I was born boxy framed. I'm not overly curvaceous and I have a large ribcage. These are just some of the insecurities I have. And the thing is, some people don't notice that about me. OR maybe they do, but they don't let those qualities about me dictate their opinion of me.

---

That's the thing here.

I need to learn to accept my flaws, fuck ups, mistakes, hardships, and "disgusting" parts. I need to learn to find joy in them - and so do you. You need to find joy in those "gross" parts.

Why?

Because if WE don't find joy in our flaws, no one else will.

The freckles you hate?

Someone envies them.

The boxy figure you have?

A girl our there with hips galore would kill for your less voluptuous frame.

The curls on your head?

People pay for those.

Big boobs?

Girl, I envy you.

We all want what we can not have.

We all want more, less, bigger, smaller, better and different.

We all want something else.

But we all need to want what we have, or at least, accept what we have.

Someone will love us, regardless of the things we don't like about ourselves.

See, those things - they make us, us.

Instead of being assholes to ourselves - picking our bodies and minds apart, singing the "no one will love me" melodramatic music - we need to first fucking accept what the good Lord (or whomever you believe in) gave us.

---

We need to stop with the comparison.

We need to end the hate, the neglect, the disgust, the disappointment and the rage we have towards ourselves. We need to stop holding grudges against ourselves as if we have just committed murder.

We wouldn't show this level of disappointment to someone we love. We wouldn't hold these grudges and shameful beliefs over our kids, parents, or friends, heads. No - we would eventually forgive them, console them and move on.

...

So, why the actual fuck, do we think it's okay to be grudge holding-judgemental fucking assholes to ourselves?

That right there - is why we will never be loved.

The hate, the shame, the grudge-holding narrative we have towards ourselves... thats bullshit.

Love is forgiveness of sins, flaws, mistakes and slip ups.

Love is acceptance of misbehaviour.

Love is letting go of the painful feelings.

Thats fucking love.

Love yourself - and then someone else can love you.

Love yourself - and then you can in return, love someone else.

xo

dee