Fear-dom

I used to fear spiders.

I feared them so extensively that I would genuinely scream, cry, run, beg and plea for someone to kill them. I refused to return to the room or spiders whereabouts until I knew it was gone.

Drama much? Yep. But now, I see spiders and I genuinely just leave, move around it and no longer freak out. I mean, if I see a tarantula, it may be a different story. But regulator house spiders? Those fears are conquered.

I used to fear “losing” money, until I spent a bunch of money on stupid shit, and realized that I lost the money, made a mistake, and lived to tell the tale.

I used to fear bees, until I got stung. I survived and it was all good.

I used to fear making investments into myself. I would fear committing to coaches, programs, trips, products, etc. because “what if they didn’t work?”.

It wasn't until I made those investments and purchases, that I overcame the "what if it doesn't work?" fear. I learned from the process, regardless of “working” or not.

I used to fear riding a 2 wheel bicycle, until I got my first “big girl bike” and rode that sucker like a champ.

I used to fear eating peanut butter, because I a)would get fat (irrational thought), b) would eat the whole jar. It wasn’t until I did eat numerous jars of peanut butter, before slowly learning that it will always be available, and does not require a feast or famine mindset.

I used to fear eating carbs after dark, until I forced myself to do just that.

I used to fear skipping workouts, because “I’d get fat and lose all my muscle”, until I was forced to take a step back due to an injury, realizing that rest is fucking awesome!

---

I used to fear gaining weight, until I gained weight.

(enter era: NOW!).

I feared and feared that I would gain weight, until - I did.

As I slowly started gaining weight (unintentionally, may I add) - I felt my mood shifting. I’ve based my worth and happiness on my weight and physical appearance, for over a decade.

So it's only natural to really struggle with that process.

However, here we are.

I have gained weight, and guess what? People still talk to me, and life goes on.

---

I remember years and years ago...

I was at a beach with a friend and her at-the-time pregnant sister. Her sister was talking about how she had actually just gotten into the best shape of her life, RIGHT BEFORE becoming pregnant…

You’re likely thinking - “UGH that fucking sucks!?” Right?

Nope.

Wrong.

She didn’t look at it as a negative thing at all. Originally, she was a bit bummed. But it was short lasted. I distinctly remember asking “Doesn’t that bother you?” And she said “No, I know I will lose the weight again. It just gives me more motivation to be a hot mom”.

I was in a competitor mindset and lifestyle at the time and I remember thinking three things.

1. Fuck she’s crazy. I’d be pissed.

2. Holy fuck, what an amazing mindset to have.

3. She’s totally right.

Now that I am no longer in that mindset, and haven’t been for quite some time, I’ve allowed this mindset to guide me as my body has fluctuated over the past years with hormonal, internal, and overall physical imbalances.

I have been up and down with my weight for quite some time.

I suffered extreme restrictions, binge eating disorder, travelling induced anorexia, post restrictive rebound weight gain, normal overall “lifestyle” weight and anything you can think of in between.

I’ve tried every diet from keto, to juice cleanses to no carbohydrate, high carbohydrate; no dietary fat, pure protein, iifym and beyond.

If it has a name, you better believe I tried it.

This photo was imported from Wix.

---

Do I feel sexy being one of the heaviest weights I’ve been in my life?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

However, Have I learned from this experience? yes.

I have learned what foods trigger me to eat more, and where my cravings stem from (emotional). I can see patterns, deep rooted shitty beliefs and a lot of awful habits.

I have accepted the fact that my body has gained weight. I stopped looking at it as "omfg I'm a fat whale", and strated seeing it for what it is - life. And weight can always be lost. I have allowed this weight gain to help my body reset and find its natural rhythm and hunger cues.

(OMG IT FEELS SOOOOOO GOOD TO ACTUALLY HAVE HUNGER CUES AGAIN)

And although I have over-eaten, under-rate and consumed a lot of treats I normally wouldn’t have prior; I have found proper internal intuitive cues again.

And althought it's been a messy-as-fuck process, it’s still a work in progess.

---

So, I encourage you to:

FUCK UP.

.... because this is how I have discovered what works.

Yep. Allow me to share the big secret with you.

FUCK IT ALL UP.

Seriously, fuck up.

Make mistakes. Face your fears. Add fear foods into your diet slowly and surely. Eat carbohydrates at night. Try a juice cleanse to prove to yourself that they fucking suck and don’t work. Make massive messes. Despise a meal. Fall in love with fear foods. Overeat one minute, and unintentionally under-eat the next. Allow your body to reset it's intuitive cues.

Try everything, and fail.

Because failure is the only way to success.

Until you face your fears, you will constantly fail yourself anyways.

Fears are meant to be overcome, and faced.

They are meant to be conquered and worked through.

No, you may not get immediate “OMG I’M SO HAPPY I DID THAT” results

(ie: facing the fear of removing your extreme belief around workouts),

but you will eventually be so grateful for facing that fear, opening you up to a life of more freedom, less injury and better productivity.

Face your fears.

even if they aren't your happiest moments in the current state, they very well may become that afterwards.

Learn to love the process, by finding the benefits to facing those fears, and overcoming the odds.

There is always a blow up, after a break up.

Find the positive, and be true - to you.

I believe in you.

xo

dee