she doesn't belong

"I don't belong here",

I said to myself as I visualize a waterfront beach house; laptop on the table accompanied with a hot mug of tea and flowers, looking out into the distant sunset of pink and purple skies.

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"I don't belong here", I continue to say.

Where I currently am, where I've been. I don't belong. I don't feel at peace with my lifestyle or location, and don't feel at peace in my heart.

I can't help but feel a sense of loneliness, incomplete fulfillment and stagnancy, everywhere I turn.

It's weird. I know I am meant for more - much more, but am:

A] completely uncertain of how to attain it.

B] completely confused on which avenue to take.

C] getting 110 mixed messages from my heart.

D] getting 234 mixed thoughts from my brain.

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No matter how confused I am, I am certain of one thing.

I just don't belong.

I have so desperately been trying to find my place in this world, longing and searching. Yet, I've gotten caught up in living a mundane lifestyle, simply trying to make ends meet, pay the bills and put food in my belly. Ya feel me?

Luckily, blogging and journalling has really created a safety zone for my racing thoughts. However, that isn't enough. It simply isn't enough to combat the sick-sense in my stomach of not belonging.

I need my place. I need my comfortable surroundings. I need familiarity mixed with contentment. And the truth is, we all need that. We all need to feel comfortable in our lifestyle, our home, our job and our relationships. We need that familiarity to perform optimally and reduce anxiety.

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Yes it's true, you cant grow in your comfort zone.

However, you also can't grow when you feel a huge sense of missing, as your thoughts are consumed of "where do I go from here" or "I don't want to go home".

You need comfort to an extent. If your job is shit and you despise it, but you stay because its comfortable - get the fuck out of your comfort zone and grow.

However, if your living situation is shit and you despise where you're residing - you need to get out of your comfort zone (your current situation) and grow by creating a comfort zone.

...see the difference?

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Your environment creates your calm, or it creates your chaos.

No one should want to, or should dread going home at their leisurely desire, in fear that their slightly obnoxious roommate is there.

No one should despise where they live because they feel like they don't have their own space.

No one should despise the environment in which they live in - lighting, decor, people, location - they all are your environment.

You shouldn't dread going to work (another part of your environment) or dread the tasks you have, at hand.

Your conversations should be uplifting and thought provoking, instead of toxic and negative.

Are you seeing it? Your environment is what will create calm and peace or anxiety or chaos. Which is why I (alike others - I hope) am so hard on myself to find my place. It is why I have been searching for a place to call home.

If you are like me, you may be feeling as though you are living in a place you call home, that never actually feels like home. You want that warm hug of comfort when you get in, after a long day - yet you don't feel it. You long for that sense of "ahh" as you soothingly slip into the bathtub with warm water and epsom salts, yet all you hear is the rambunctious noises of others. Maybe you're completely lonely, and no matter what, you just never feel that bit of love and connection. Or maybe your friends are toxic, or non-existent as they're busy with their own lives, and you're running out of things to talk about. Whatever it is, you don't belong. You simply feel like you just don't fucking belong.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could foresee the future, and see where I (or we) need to be. I wish I could answer that. But I can't...

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Darlin', I'm struggling too.

I have no idea where I belong, or where my happy place is. Does happy have a place? I don't even know. All I know is, I need to create my happy place in each and every moment. And so do you.

We both need to stop trying to control the future, and refrain from searching, and searching, and just let it be. The universe has bigger plans for us, then we have for ourselves. That's truly the beauty within this life we live.

What we think we want - we may not actually want.

Times that didn't turn out as planned - were probably for the best.

Where we are going - its still manifesting as your path is unfolding.

Let us be free.

Let us be free from inner judgements, and trying to force a circle into a square puzzle. Let us proceed with caution, yet jump on every opportunity.

Fear not, my angel.

The universe will not fail us, now. We have made it through these feelings for how many years? I'm sure we can manage a few more minutes of not-belonging, by just embracing the moments, people, and circumstances around us.

Remember sweetheart,

Everything is temporary, and our home, will be created, shortly.

xo

dee