the bOdy confession
- Nov 8, 2019
- 6 min read
Getting complimented on your physical appearance, is obviously an awesome feeling. Even if you feel uncomfortable accepting the compliment,
you still deep down, fucking like it.
...
We all want praise for our hard work, our looks, our personality, and just for being us. We want to be liked and accepted.
Okay, so we all like compliments that we deep down want to hear. However, what about those "compliments" that are no longer compliments to us.
What if our goals have changed, changing how we view certain words or phrases? What if our goals changed, or the views of ourselves have changed?
What if we are no longer the person we used to be, or the person we are recognized for being?
What if we completely transformed mentally, and no longer desire the things that the old mentality, did?
I used to love being called shredded, jacked, muscular, defined, and disciplined. People often say how jacked I am, because well - I am pretty fucking muscular, for a female.
However, I still have my own insecurities, just like you do.
Let's dive right on into it, and call a spade a spade. Shall we?
I fucking loathe & despise feeling "big".
I have an extremely easy time putting muscle on, and I genuinely have a wider frame. I was born with naturally broad shoulders, legs made for kicking soccer balls or leg-pressing humans, as well as a lot of upper body strength in comparison to most females. However, I do also have a short, stocky, boxy frame, and lack the curves that Kim. K, gets to rock. I store the majority of weight in my mid-section, as opposed to the common thigh storage. What sucks about that is that my digestion has been awful since competing, making my bloated and "pregnant" look, quite adamant. Put "bloated" on top of a thicker core, wider framed women, and her confidence can go from 100 to -0, real quick!
Growing up, I always wanted to be smaller (like most females - thanks social media), because that was always seen as "attractive". However, after falling in love with fitness, I wanted to be both muscular, and lean (you may recognize this as "toned", however, I think that word is horse-shit).
Anyways. I always wanted to be leaner, skinnier, tighter, more defined, and have abs. I envied the girls around me who were naturally thin and had a flat stomach. I wasn't like that growing up. I always had a bit of a tummy pooch and thicker thighs - those are just my genetics. Whether I liked it, or not.
I used to love being recognized for my athletic, fit, shredded, competitor body. I loved it. I was confident. I loved being the only one who looked and trained like me, at the gym. I loved that I got recognition for my hard work, because I really lacked recognition in other areas. I wasn't the smartest, the tallest, the best at soccer or the prettiest. I wasn't the most popular and I didn't have a huge home with a killer backyard. I knew how to work hard, and getting recognition and praise for that hard work, is what allowed me to feel more confident and accomplished.
So, I guess that was the short version; but you got it, right?
K. Cool.
So now that we understand where I came from, and where I wanted to be. Let's forget about the past and talk about the present.
My goals from being the strongest, most muscular, most shredded and "fittest" girl in the gym have changed, a lot.
I recognize now, that losing weight and being healthy, are two completely different things. I recognize that fit and healthy, are equally, two completely different things.
Competing isn't actually healthy. It's the most physically fabricated "sport" in the world. Personal perceptions, politics and social media are how the fitness industry works, now. Fitness Competing is not about health, it's about your 5 second, unattainable, dry and lean physique.
I now, dislike certain things that I used to love about my body. I went from loving and just wanting to build build build and build more muscle, to now being insecure about it. I feel like my broad shoulders, are just too empowering, and have notably made others "fear" me.
My fiery personality is already intimidating.
However, holding a lot of muscle AND a fiery personality - is apparently an entirely different level of intimidating. 10/10 scary. Ugh. Although I'm insecure about the amount of muscle I hold as a female, I also haven't really taken drastic action to change it. Im overcomplicating it, and deep down, I know this. I'd compare myself to a lost puppy. I love training, but do also put on muscle insanely easily; making it hard to actually reduce my size, while maintaining an active lifestyle (that I love).
I have a lot of fears in regards to letting my muscle atrophy, weight gain and being uncomfortable, again. I had gained weight before, in hopes of rebalancing my hormones, however, I was so unbearably uncomfortable that I lost a lot of my passions, making me become bitter and unrecognizable. My muscle sat underneath the additional weight I had gained, and it was really difficult for me to accept. I felt like I was mourning the loss of my body, my fame, my reputation, and what I was known for. Needless to say, after reaching an uncomfortably high level of weight gain, I quit, as my depression became unbearable. I felt "huge" at that time, and fear the future of this, too.
I recognize that any weight gain, will sit on top of my already very large muscles; making me feel "huge" and large. It happened once, and it will indefinitely happen again. That is just how the body works. Being short, also makes both weight gain and muscle gain, a lot more noticeable.
I wont lie, this has been extremely uncomfortable for me, to not only discuss, but also take massive action in changing, again. This really has been an ongoing challenge for me, for years.
Many females have struggled with this before, and i commend them for taking massive action, without fear. Some were forced into natural changes with pregnancies, and others were honestly just badasses who said "FUCK IT".
...
I get it, some people would love to have the problem of "putting on muscle really easily".
I've heard it alllllll, before.
However, the truth is, when your goals change, and your perceptions change, the compliments you like, change.
When you mentally change, and overhaul yourself, your desires change.
When you level up, you level up in every area.
Whether you are someone whom is trying to lose weight, or gain weight. Whether you are trying to build muscle, or lose muscle, its hard. Starting a gym routine for the first time, or trying to step back from yours because you're over-training, its all relative. It really is. We are all struggling in similar - yet different, ways.
Watching your body change, is hard.
Taking massive action in making changes, is fucking hard as hell, too.
Re-framing your brain from past
behaviours = hard.
Starting something, is hard.
Easing back up on something, is hard.
Changing your habitual nature, is hard.
Mourning the loss of who you used to be, is like mourning the loss of a loved one; as you are literally mourning the old you.
It's hard.
End of discussion.
So, Maybe you're wondering what the hell the point of this blog is, or maybe you didn't even actually read it. But one day, someone out there who needs to read this, will read it.
I don't know if I am just venting, or if I have a point. But I do hope someone feels all the feels, with this blog. I hope you recognize that you are not alone.
All too often, we forget that we are all mourning the loss of the old us. We have to do this. This is a part of our journey, and this is a part of the growing pains that we will all experience.
If you're struggling through this because you feel judged; push on.
If you're struggling through this because people are making unsolicited comments; let it be.
If you're struggling through this because you're confused as hell, ask for help.
If you're struggling through this because its fucking hard, just remember, its fucking hard for all of us - but feeling better, will be so worth it.
Carry on young grasshopper,
You are never alone.
xo,
dee
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