sound the alarm

It finally hit me, like really hiiit me! (No, not the High Intensity Interval Training type of hiit)

But it hit me hard.

The realization that:

"You create your environment"

Let me explain.

I actually said this to someone whom was speaking their truth about their current hardships. They were stating how where they lived sucked, their job was shit, their relationship fell apart, they are being negatively talked down to, and their relationship with food has turned into a mockery.

I then said it again to another friend, when we were striking up a conversation at work. He insisted and complained about the types of people they attract - crazy, attention seeking, manipulative, sugar baby, types of females.

--

He said, "I don't get it. I just get all the crazy ones that want a sugar daddy"; to which I stood there in shock thinking: are you fucking kidding me?

"You created that! You repost pictures on instagram of how these young women calling you (a 52 year old, good-looking man) "daddy" and speaking provocatively to you. You give them the attention that they are looking for. You create your fucking environment!" I said.

"You create your environment".

(I said)

These people are stating that everything is shit; but in reality, it's their thoughts and actions that are shit.

They are creating : their - own - shit.

...

And thats when it hit me like a fucking speeding ticket.

YOU CREATE YOUR FUCKING ENVIRONMENT, DEE.

(Simple statement. Often said. Rarely understood)

---

FFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK.

(yes, that was necessary)

It hit me. It fucking hit me, man. I was caught red handed, speeding through my own bullshit of mistakes, shame, depression, anxiety, clusterfuckism and horse-shit. I created it. Every single red signal, sirens blasting, horns honking speeding ticket shit filled environment.

For some people, their shitty environment was based off their feelings. They felt depressed due to the loss of a relationship, they felt shame so they hibernated inside, they couldn't see light from dark. Therefore, all these people did was talk about how shitty everything was.

And for others, its their actions (or lack there of) they ordered a BigMac instead of going home and having a salad, causing shame and frustration (just save your money and don't fucking go), or they stayed in abusive relationships out of fear (do it girl, leave), or they spoke awfully to someone in the heat of anger, causing a ton of guilt.

[No matter what]

Actions need Feelings and Feelings need Actions.

It's true.

Maybe one sticks out like a sore thumb in comparison and takes over the situation, but regardless, both Feelings and Action of emotional states, exist.

1. I realized that although my thoughts were clear - I acted out in impulsive ways. I knew deep in my heart that I should have walked away from the situation, but there I stood, not giving a fuck and just speeking my mind. #NoFilter

2. Or another example; I knew deep in my heart that I should have stopped at the red light, but I didn't give a crap - so I ignored the red light because I didn't feel like stopping.

3. Another one is knowing you shouldn't have the frapacappumocachino because it makes you physically ill, but you don't give a shit because you want it. AKA: choosing cravings over physical discomfort (or maybe shitting your pants. I dont know. I mean-thats on you though. Pun definitely intended).

VERSUS:

1. Your friend acted out in emotional states - They felt ugly, sad, gross, disgusting and turned to a tub of ben and jerrys, donuts and some chocolate, to help get them through their sadness.

2. Another example is having a friend whom didn't realize the speed limit was suddenly reduced by 20km/hr, and they drove about 40+ above the speed limit until their rationale kicked in saying: slow the fuck down, Linda or getting a ticket-whichever happens first.

3. Or in opposition; You had the worst day of work ever, didn't eat enough, and suddenly felt super weak. Cravings were coming over. OMG you're fucking starving. Now you have to pee too. FUCK IT, Im stopping at starbucks, going pee and then definitely getting that frapacappumocachino.

See the difference, now?

I know it's kind of confusing.

creating your own (shitty) environment 101:

Clear rational thoughts = shit actions.

Clustered and jumbled thoughts = shit actions.

(Unless you didn't create your shit storm and you're a fucking unicorn of perfect - making only precise and optimal decisions that ultimately benefit your higher self and life. Ugh, you perfect polly pocket doll, you)

---

Anywhoooooosil.

I was doing it. I was impulsively acting, although in my head and heart, I knew it wasn't justifiably correct. And in that moment. I got my ticket. I got my speeding ticket of life's kick in the rear end.

I ACT WITHOUT THINKING!

(Or I guess, acknowledging... Ugh. Fuck it. Let's just call a spade a spade, I chose to ignore all the gosh darn freaking rationale thoughts - screaming at me).

I wont lie. I've always known this. But knowing and understanding are (in my opinion), two completely different things.

I knew right from wrong. I knew proper from improper. I knew just from unjust. But no matter what, my rationale couldn't take the steering wheel and drive. So I sped (metaphorically) through shitty decisions and impulsions.

I knew growing up that I would be very quick to react without thinking. However, I didn't see how damaging that could (and was) be to my future. I never learned to control that hot-heated, reactive, impulsive little girl that I was.

Thus: enters impulsive, reactive, hot headed, temper-mental, abrasive, assertive (or aggressive without the violence), dee.

HERE I AM WORLD, CAN YOU SEE ME?

FUCK, I thought.

I am that girl. I am the girl that creates her environment and has certainly created my own bullshit, my own anxiety, my own failures, and alllll my own problems.

I knew it - but now, I understand it.

Sirens signalled, doors opened and closed, ticket given, and wake up call - justifiably given.

(honestly, thank fuck)

(again)

Actions need Feelings and Feelings need Actions.

---

I needed this wake up call. I needed my own ass handed to me with my own advice. A friend of mine knows that I will always be there for her in any time of crisis (whatever that crisis might be), and I will always have words of wisdom, knowledge, positivity, truths followed normally by research and resources to assists in her crisis.

However, I don't treat myself with the same respect, or utilize those same empathic tools. I use my empathy unbelievably well with others - but not myself.

And that's about to change.

Let me just clarify that shit, right there, right now.

No - fucking - more.

...

I think a lot of us are like this.

We tear ourselves apart for eating a shitty meal, but would say "it's only one meal, just get back on track" to our friend.

We will rip ourselves apart for wearing a crop top on a "bloated" day, but assure our friends that they look as hot as fire.

We tear ourselves apart for missing the net on that shot, but would tell our friends how kickass they were that game, regardless of getting a goal or not.

And to be honest, thats just not right.

We need to love ourselves and treat ourselves with respect, as well as our friends and family. We need to be rational with both our thoughts and actions. We need to think before we act, listen before we speak, and ask before we touch.

We all need to call ourselves out on our own bullshit, and put the brakes on!

I've made every shitty decision, on my own terms, in my own way, with a rational mind, that just didn't speak loud enough (or that I knowingly ignored). I created my own problems, suffering the consequences, losing my own belongings, purchasing my own things beyond my means, and overall just creating my own shitty mess.

But most importantly; I created my own anxiety and fears.

The anxiety creation, affects and impacts more than just me. No. Now, they impact everything around me. It's changed everything. My entire environment now has to suffer those repercussions; and that's a really shitty feeling.

...

The debt I have? My own fault

The job I'm stuck in? My own fault.

The loss of a relationship? My own fault.

The shame I have going somewhere? My own fault.

All of it is my-own-fault.

(because no one made these actions and decisions, but me)

I sincerely hope my story, helped you see that it is indefinitely true.

You create your fucking environment.

Happy rationalizing.

xo,

dee