Im an asshole.
- Aug 28, 2019
- 5 min read
"Why are you so hard on yourself?
It's like you've set a ridiculously high, unachievable standard; and are setting yourself up for failure."
I shit you not, this exact quote was spoken from a NEW friend. Someone whom I feel comfortable enough to confide in about my insecurities, life, desires, etc.
(I probably feel a little extra comfortable confiding in him - seeing as we met with my shameless flirting on this married, expecting child, golden hearted, man). LOL. Needless to say, He's the best; and this blossomed a wonderful friendship.
...
Anyways, this question really brought up a lot of feels for me. So many feels, that I grabbed my laptop, left the house immediately, and am now writing this blog.
I get so frustrated with myself when I don't perform the way I want to, when my weight goes up, when I don't eat the way I "should", when outside factors dictate things against my desires, or when I am just not up to my ideal level.
I get so defeated and down.
If my energy levels are shit, I get mad at myself. If my makeup isn't to my likings, I feel insecure. If I eat extra, I beat myself up. Normal cravings? I cant have those. Everything, just everything. I am constantly beating myself up, over everything.
Why are you so hard on yourself, setting unachievable standards?
Well, dick-face Daniella.
Why?
In short, I feel unlovable.
I feel like I am an unworthy of love, female, whom just longs and longs for it. Not just from a romantic relationship, but from friendships, family, etc. I so desperately desire to feel important, valid, considered, and appreciated.
Deep in my heart, I know that this longing for perfection, is the only way I will feel worthy enough of the thing I want the most - love.
Growing up, I never felt good enough. No matter how many chores I did, gifts I bought, errands I ran for others, jobs I worked, shifts I picked up, tasks I accomplished, or helpful acts I performed - I never felt enough.
No matter how much I pushed myself through soccer games growing up, or killed myself in the gym as I aged, it wasn't enough.
Competitions and Competition Prep/Modelling accomplishments? They were highlighted for about 15 seconds, ridiculed for about 6 months, and shit-talked for even longer.
I get fit - but according to them, I become too fit.
I lose weight - but according to them, I look anorexic.
I workout - but according to them, I workout too much.
I eat my competition prep diet - but according to them, now I'm too strict.
What the fuck?
Is there any winning?
Nope.
None.
No . Fucking . Winning
(I will literally never forget the day I was called "fragile" and "brittle" by someone I so deeply admire. That one still hurts).
[I feel unloved. I just feel unlovable]
Those questions really brought up a lot of hurt for me. A lot of emotional trauma of just longing and longing for love, affection and attention.
Is this lack of love, the root of all my problems?
Honestly, I think so.
However, I don't think it's the lack of love from an outlet source.
It's the lack of love that I do not offer myself.
That old, famous question of "How can you expect someone else to love you, if you can't love yourself?" literally strikes the response "Well, then I guess I will never be loved" from my brain.
How sad is that? Now i suddenly feel like I will never be bloody-well loved. Simply because, I cant love myself.
Thats pathetic, and untrue.
(I know deep down- its untrue).
I try so hard to be kinder to myself, gentler and more empathic towards myself, just as I am to others. But I literally never treat myself how I would treat someone else.
I am a pure asshole to myself.
I speak so negatively, harshly, and judgementally to myself. I rip myself apart for everything I do thats wrong.
I literally wouldn't dare do that to my worst nightmare or biggest enemy. I just wouldn't.
So where do we go from here ?
Jesus murphy - that age old question, eh?
To be honest, I'm not sure, because we are all so uniquely different. People have recommended that I stop working out as much (which I've done), that I gain weight (which I've done), that I eat like a human (I still kind of don't understand this one - since were all so vastly different), and that I seek help (which also, I've done via counsellors, therapist(s) and coaches).
I'm sure people will recommend those outlets to you, too, and I highly suggest trying these resources, before not. These are all amazing places to start! I highly recommend utilizing those people, and seeing what may spark within you.
However, it also comes from you.
It comes from your assholism of how you speak and treat yourself.
So cut that fucking shit out, Sally.
BODY:
You will know in your soul, what you need to do.
I've gotten really great at scanning my body and soul needs.
Those urges to go write/journal/blog/repost a quote?
Do it.
Suddenly need to go for a walk?
Just leave.
Your gut is saying "don't do that"?
Seriously don't.
All of a sudden, you need to pray?
Speak freely, my sister.
Cant muster up the gym today?
Skip it.
Or maybe you're like a girlfriend of mine,
and you just neeeeed to call someone to vent to
(I am honestly so honoured that she calls me to confide it).
Call that damn support.
[If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again]
The problem lies within how I speak to myself.
I've come to believe that this all comes from within.
In your heart and soul, you will be guided to the things you need to do in order to achieve greatness. In order to grow, you must trust that the universe has your back. You must believe in yourself so greatly and undoubtedly, that you just trust and know. You must go through the harder times, in order to reap the joyful ones.
You must ask yourself the raw questions, do the hard work, attend the shitty courses and honestly (possibly) change up your entire routine - which I am about to try and test out.
You must also, speak so fucking lovingly to yourself - that it hurts.
------
Truth is. I struggle everyday with loving myself. As i mentioned, I rip myself apart. I've gotten a lot better at not letting those thoughts spiral me into a deep dark state that lasts all day. But I do struggle. Every day.
I think it's human nature to want to change certain things about yourself. However, I don't think you need to speak like an asshole to yourself because you do want to change.
------
Speaking poorly to yourself will only directly impact your overall environment as well. It will affect your health, your performance, your mental state, your friendships, your work ethic, and anything in between.
What your body feels you are giving it - it will give you back.
[negative or positive]
If you give your body and mind negative self talk - it will return it with more. Maybe then you get ridiculed by someone, or stared at (in reality, admired) uncomfortably.
I recommend:
Guided journalling.
Change your speech.
Change your routine.
Fuck off with those unhealthy habits.
Seek a coach/therapist/clinic for help.
Building a support network.
Listen to your body.
Choose nourishing food.
Remove triggers (foods, people, environments, clothing)
Take a social media detox.
Hydrate the hell out of yourself.
Take yourself on dates/walks/hikes/meditations.
Write gratitudes daily.
Perform 1 random act of kindness per day.
Look in the mirror and say what you love about yourself.
Keep reminders, everywhere, about what you love.
Catch yourself in those negative thoughts, and challenge them.
I haven't yet mastered the art of loving myself. I have yet to figure it all out. But through this blog, you'll see that we are two-peas-in-a-pod. You will be able to recognize that not everyone has it figured out. I am here to share some tools I've learned, and I hope you find great comfort in recognizing that you are not alone.
Not every day will be your best day. But you have a chance to start everyday with your best efforts.
keep pushing sweetheart.
xo,
dee
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