gymnorexia

or·tho·rex·i·a/ˌôrTHəˈreksēə/

noun1. an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy.

BULLIMIA - ANOREXIA - ANOREXIA ATHLETICA - BINGE EATING DISORDER - ORTHOREXIA & MORE

https://quizlet.com/135029478/overtraining-and-eating-disorders-flash-cards/

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There are so many versions of eating disorders out there, and I've had the privilege of meeting ED (Eating Disorder) on more than one occasion.

I was sent a photo from a fellow traveller I met, while in Thailand. This guy and I became buds immediately. We rented and rode scooters around, checking out some insane hikes, hot-springs, hills, beaches and towns. He introduced me to RockClimbing where I became immediately hooked! Essentially, he was another guy that wanted to explore and be on-the-go, as much as I did!

You see, from years of competing, I built up a lot of fears around not being active enough. I was taught by my (at the time) coach that more is better. More cardio, more intensity, more workouts, and more struggles would get me the trophy I desired. I built up even more fears around eating certain foods, overeating on my meal plan, having foods I did not prepare, not having perfectly weighed meals, not giving my all at the gym or missing a workout, eating carbs/fats and not burning enough calories all because I wanted a specific look.

Insert: stupidity.

It actually wasn't until about a year after I returned from Thailand, that this changed.

While in Thailand, I was overactive while under eating. No matter what the day entailed, I ensured I was being insanely, overly, compulsively, physically active. I felt like because I wasn't in my normal "gym routine", I had to do extra. I was not eating enough to fuel those insane activity levels. I was petrified of eating anything that was not essentially a vegetable, fruit, or protein source. I had rice, but not all the time. Due to nothing but guilt and fear, not because I didn't actually want it. I feared that everything I ate would make me fat. I feared gaining weight, being made fun of upon returning home, and being compared to the old, competitor version of me.

So what did I do?

I did the obvious thing that any rational person would do (insert: sarcasm).

I over-did everything.

- I walked, hours upon hours a day

- I limited my overall food intake while eating

- I didn't try all the great Thai cuisines

- I didn't listen to my bodies needs

- I hiked multiple times a week/day

- I worked out (as much as I could)

- I did pull ups every chance I got

- I only ate certain (healthy) foods

- I restricted as much as possible

This lead me down a dark path of binge eating (again) and overtraining (even more), as I had previously done during prep. Eating Disorder Sufferers understand that although there are a lot of fears in regards to not being perfect; we also develop an impulsive twitch (if you will), that triggers these BED episodes. I did not purge, but I would do an extra hike - normally ones that are known to be overly large and exhausting. I'd restrict my food intake, or I would walk hours upon hours to the nearest actual gym, in order to burn off alllllll those extra calories.

But overall, I binged - A LOT.

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Now back to the point of fellow travelling dude.

He sent me photos recently from 4 years prior, of being in Thailand.

I WAS WARPED.

LITERALLY FUCKED.

SINCERELY AND GENUINELY FUCKED.

I WAS FUCKED

The first thing I said when receiving those photos was

"OH MY GOSH, I WAS FUCKING TINY!!"

Literally, shocked.

I can not fathom how fucking tiny I was, yet thinking I was fat.

I remember coming back home from Thailand (I believe) only 1-2lbs up from my competition stage weight - which is when I was at the leanest, most petite and also probably unhealthiest state - of my life!

I was notttttt healthy - neither times.

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It's crazy to me, how warped we become.

We don't recognize how much we've actually progressed or repeated a cycle

...and this was a cycle, I repeated.

[ I did not realize how far I've come ]

- until now -

I was listening to a Podcast by Jordan Syatt [IG: @syattfitness]

...about how he had a friend do very similar while travelling.

Restrict, overexercise, restrict and overexercise, again.

Another Podcast I listened to that same day, was about his Inner Circle member, Andrea, whom was in the same mindset of more is more. Andrea believed that she needed "insurance" of additional calories; just incase she went out unexpectedly, binged later, ate more than she anticipated, or wasn't as active as she wanted to be that day. Or God-forbid, her FitBit said she didn't move or burn enough calories, that day.

In the podcast, she had a huge epiphany - an awakening.

She was able to recognize that she actually needed to take MORE rest, because she was developing bad habits and beliefs in regards to fitness - just like I did.

I've really grown over the years.

And no, although I'm not perfect, I am far-far more improved.

I did this by fucking quitting everything I knew. I made a point to do the COMPLETE opposite of any rules/voices/moments that ED came into my head.

I challenged each thought that ED would present of:

"restrict",

"you need to workout",

"you cant have that",

"you didn't earn this",

"you need to burn X amount of calories before you can eat that",

I challenged them all. I knew if I didn't challenge them, that ED would win every time. He would win against my weakness, and my need for perfection. He would win the arguments, because I just would not fight back. But not this time. This was the time I started mindfully challenging, everything.

I QUIT.

I fucking quit being a slave to ED.

I quit counting calories.

I quit looking at food as a means ton an end.

I quit training ever-single-fucking-day.

I quit the fathom or feat mentality.

I quit the guilt.

I quit restriction.

I quit only eating starchy carbohydrates on "lifting" days.

I quit thinking that a small workout, was not enough.

It's time to

RECOGNIZE YOUR STRENGTHS , TRIUMPHS A N D GROWTH

...(because I sure didn't)...

But, I now can live a humanly fucking life of less restrictions and guilt, and more freedom

...

and it is so fucking empowering.

If anyone tells you that you need to do a certain diet, workout, nutrition program, caloric intake or restriction of particular food.

JUST - FUCKING - RUN

You will be better off. I promise sweetheart.

all my love,

xo

dee