I just want to be perfect.

Seriously, I just want to be perfect.

I want to have the perfect attitude, perfect job, the perfect house, living in my perfect city, with my perfect friends sipping perfectly poured sangrias by the pool with my perfect husband (LOL, probably when I'm 89) grilling on the bbq. I would like my perfect dog to have the perfect behaviour, and my yard to be perfectly green, flowery and well maintained. I'd like my hair to fall perfectly in place, with perfectly manicured nails, perfect body, perfectly balancing finances, booking dream-come-true perfectly planned vacations, living in a perfect area with the perfect amount of sunshine, cool breeze and oh-tanned skin.

... yes.

My white picket fence of perfect.

GOOD - FUCKING - LUCK - DEE

The truth is, I want it all.

Keyword here = want.

But what if I can not have it all?

Well than here we are, with where I am today; dreaming the impossible with minimal directions and guiding forces.

I really do just want to be living, breathing and attaining perfect.

But how?

Does anyone really have it together?

Does perfect even exist?

Do we all get our fairytale dream job?

Do we all fall in love with our forever?

Is this shit just completely fucking fake?

Home

sweet

Home

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I want so much of a distant fairytale dream, that I've completely forgotten whom I am in this exact moment.

And who I am, is raw and real.

I am the girl just putting one foot in front of the other, doing her damn best.

I am the girl spreading herself too thin, just trying to please everyone around her.

I am the girl who loves The Bachelorette, because I am a hopeless romantic.

I am the girl that is wrongfully judged, whom you know nothing about.

I am the girl who wants to cry, but is laughing on the outside.

I am the girl who's interested, but has a heart protected by bricks.

I am the girl who is silly as hell, but feels like she can not be herself.

I am the girl whom is crying of laughter, because she finally feels free.

I am the girl who is trying her damn, fucking hardest,

and that is all I need to be.

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I truthfully have no idea what I will get (or even want) in regards to my career, living routine, house, hobbies, husband, etc. However, I am definitely figuring out what I don't want.

I am slowly coming to terms with recognizing things that used to serve me, but no longer do, and exploring new fond ideas and areas of untethered grounds.

Breaking old habits of falling into certain areas, friendships, jobs, reactions, routines, and even eating habits is hard as hell. I find the recognition to be the easy part of the process I will call "change", while actually changing those patterns, to be the most difficult thing of all.

It's crazy to me, how our actions and reactions, can have such detrimental ripple effects.

Those personality traits that used to serve us, no longer do.

Those eating habits that used to be enjoyable, have caused major intolerances and food phobias.

That workout routine that used to work great, has served its time.

Those jobs that we once enjoyed, now steal our sunshine.

Those people that used to help us, now hinder us.

Things, people, places - they change.

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So where do we go from here?

We go to dreaming that everything has to be perfect.

We've watched how people have grown and changed, and we want to attain their good gracious gifts. We get so caught up in living someones "highlight real", that we've forgotten what living in the moment is.

But reality is, I will never be perfect, and life will never be perfect.

I will always have a bit of a trucker mouth. I will always have too much passion for some, too much athleticism for others, and too much determination for the less determined.

I may not currently have my ideal home in my ideal location, but I do a roof over my head, a car to drive and food to eat, and thats a hell of a lot more than quite a few other people (especially here in Vancouver).

Living, breathing, and having the freedom of choice is perfect on its own.

Why must we complicate things by always wanting, wanting and wanting more?

Put the greed away.

It's not serving you today.

xo,

dee