Fuck you. I'm worthy

I've been single for four years now.

Completely, indefinitely, unfathomably single.

Yep. Four. Fucking. Years.

Dating in between? Nope.

Slutting it up on the dance floor? Negative.

Sleeping around? Not once.

Kissing strangers? Nope.

Waking up in someone else's bed? Wow. I must be the Virgin Mary at this rate.

After my last two relationships, I lost it. A few different jobs, I lost it. Argumentrs with my parents, I lost it. Comparing my life to others, I lost it. I completely lost it. My self worth. I completely lost my self worth.

It was ripped from my soul and honestly stomped on, tossed in the garbage, spat on and torn to shreds.

(essentially, it's gone)

I struggled with having a good handle on self-worth from a young age. I think it's almost normal to not be 100%, every single day. However, for me, this is a life long journey.

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- I Do Not Feel Worthy -

work - school - life - career - goals - aspirations - friendships - romantic relationships - family bonds - a good home - good nutrition

nope. not worthy

(but fuck that --- because I am)

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Stemming from childhood, I always struggled with feeling worthy. I constantly compared myself to my two older, superior and far more successful sisters. I compared myself to friends, co-workers, and family members. Unfortunately, I still do this comparison bullshit- a lot. But I find that it's almost worse now, as social media made "highlight reels" a thief of joy.

It's been a very big hinder to my life; as toxic relationships between boyfriends, friends and family members have increasingly damaged my sense of self worth.

I constantly feel like I am not good enough, doing enough, performing well enough, saying the right things or working hard enough. No matter how exhausted, worn out or run dry I am, I feel as though I could always do more. I battle those conversations of "what else could I have done" on the daily, and honestly - even at my wits end, I can always find more.

I despise letting people down. I really cant fathom being the reason why someone misses out on an event, loses out on an opportunity, or honestly just becomes upset. I don't enjoy, nor do I want to be the cause of someone disappointment; especially if it is something I could have assisted with or prevented.

(Don't get me wrong, I could definitely discipline a child acting out ore say no. However, if it came down to helping them complete a task to prevent them from missing out on an opportunity, I would try to help, first).

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So how does this impact my daily life?

I spread myself too thin. I try to accomplish so much, put myself in numerous places at once, rushing from one place to another. I end up being very forgetful, careless, impulsive or completely blind to certain things. I push certain people aside, in order to fulfill my never ending to-do list, making me short tempered and furthermore, completely disappointed in myself.

I feel as though I'm living in a time of constantly proving myself.

I said to my best friend today:

"I feel like I am constantly trying to prove my worth to employers, my parents, my sisters and anyone else who enters my life. I work so fucking hard, stay late, do extra tasks, run errands for others, do extra chores and dog care duties (note: I am not the owner of his gorgeous pitbull).

At this point, whatever happens, fucking happens.

I'm sick of constantly fighting to prove my worth. I just want my worth to be recognized".

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A wise, and wonderful counsellor once said to me, that "being born proves that I am worthy". Just being here, being alive, being a person on this earth - I am worthy. It is my birthright, to feel valuable and worthy - because I am.

It is our birthright,

to feel valuable and worthy.

She's totally right.

But how do you remember that in a time of chaos, heartache and accusations?

Honestly, If you wanted me to answer this - I've got nothing.

[srsly]

I don't freaking know.

I battle this self-worth debacle, daily. And it gets easy, and then hard again. Knowing that you're trying your best, sometimes is not enough when childhood has engrained your lack of efforts, intelligence, and self worth into your entire being.

It is unbelievably hard to undo the 26 years of mental fuckery, especially as events have progressively made it worse as your life went on.

Gratitudes.

Daily Affirmations.

Journalling.

Mindfullness.

Meditation.

Healthy Relationships.

Nature.

Sunshine.

They're all helpful, but truth is - this self-worth is deep rooted, within your soul.

No one can fix this lack of worth - but you.

Keep truckin' on.

Keep pushing.

Keep reminding yourself.

One day, I hope it clicks for both of us.

One day, I hope we just snap out of the mental fuckery.

(Because it is our birthright, to feel worthy).

Sending good vibes.

xo,

dee